I'm meeting today with one of the reverends at my temple for an informational interview. It can't hurt!

Note to self - more personal stuff lives on LJ. More general stuff lives on Facebook.
I wonder why this is? Seems to be working, though.

When I categorize "I lack focus, and can't decide on anything to do with my life because I love to do everything" as "personal failure" -- then this is a misstep. I don't have to see this as bad or wrong. Yes, I love the new. Yes, I get "into" things and then get out of them. I love learning. He says this is fine. What did I miss in life by being this way? What's so awful about being me right now? Is there some kind of limit on the number of things I can learn or be good at or enjoy in my life?

Probably the only thing my left brain wants to continuously point out, here, is that my earning potential is higher than what I'm making. By now, I could have been much more successful in my career.

I will argue back - who knows how much money I'd be making, or not making, now, if I followed any particular career path and ignored everything else. Could haves, Should haves, and Would haves are worth a pittance.

I'm having a very very low ebb to my "day job" motivation stream today. Just - dead in the water. Floating, not connected to anything. Wondering why I seem to always return here. My career is always at odds with my urges. I keep arguing with myself that my career is here to make money to support my life and is doing that so my brain says buck up bucko! And GET BACK TO WORK.

However, there is that strain, urge to pull away, lack of motivation, inner feeling that "this is all wrong"......creating an inner fight.

The self-hate and worry and fear of "so what else could I possibly do instead, right now?" generated by this state creates a snowball effect, so I have to dodge it quickly and start thinking other things.

I've considered in the last two weeks how to retrain as an art teacher, but am coming up short, and am considering going to seminary instead (costs less and classes easier to get into and schedule). You know, you'd think teaching art and counseling people along a spiritually enlightened path were different. Not really. it's all the same. I just want to be myself. Particularly today, yes, that's what I need.

Do you use Mozilla Sunbird? Mine crashed and with it my entire list of events, schedules, and to-dos.
If I can't recover the data, reinstall, whatever, then I might as well just quit today.......

May Spirit break through your next seemingly ordinary moment and transform it.

WOTC is holding a "Never Split the Party" Contest to pay for 5 ppl to go to GenCon for free, plane tickets too! Refresh my memory and maybe I'll enter for us. Or one of you with a better memory and writing skill can....
* Describe your original D&D gaming group including, identifying each member by first and last name (in 100 words or less).
* How did you meet?
* Where did you gather to play?
* Were you the Dungeon Master of the group? What was your PC?
* Did you have any fun "house rules"?
* What was your favorite game night tradition?
* When was the last time you played together?
* Why did you split up?
* Why should WotC reunite your game group at Gen Con?
* Your contact information (Name, email, phone).
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/4dnd/neversplittheparty

Got a reply email from Jon, replied back (this email took a hour and a half), and sealed the whole thing with confidentiality so he knows. We're ok. I had a moment when I sat there, realized I was working with a celebrity, and ...you know, occasionally, I have my moments of SMART. So I won't post anything more here about it until and unless something public comes of it. The likelihood is that it may not, it may all stay private or I may step out of play depending on what he wants or does not want.

Someday maybe I can be this awesome and have everyone who works with me have to keep everything under wraps for fear of fans losing it and spoiling everything. Ah the celebrity life!

And a singing update for those of you who are, if not hanging on every word involving Jon my favorite celebrity EVER, are hanging on my every word involving my "singing career". (LOL and sarcasm!)...I'm officially a Professional (smirk smirk) technically, because I am being paid to sing on the 28th at CSE. Oh boy wealth and fame! Srsly, no, I'm no star - just putting some icing on an already beautiful cake. Mostly gospel and slow this time - the 21st will be far more upbeat and fun! It's still honestly neat to be paid any amount to sing, though. Puts some confidence in me. I could always use some more of that.

Our wonderful choir director let me in on a little secret last week:
If you sing without ego, you will be relaxed and you won't get in the way of the sound. If you sing without ego, it's no longer *you* that is doing the singing. You are just a channel to the Source of All.

This morning I realized that this is an attitude I've often held about artmaking. Creative expression is the soul's urge to express Spirit, and your job is to get out of the way, guide the stream and let Spirit flow through you.

I never realized until now, that singing and artmaking were spiritual communion, and therefore both reductive processes (remove all blocks) Same as meditation. Gee whiz. It all seems so obvious now.

The thing is you can also say that all creativity is, at it's heart, this.

Thanks for this one entwashian!